Feel Beautiful

hmm here we are again...for the sake of my final semester's GPA I have once again ventured off of my anti-depressants (and subsequently am writing my second blog in what feels like forever). Not dissing my meds (believe me they are a godsend at times) but I can't create whatsoever when on them, no outpouring of sarcastic pop punk songs, no epic ten pages sociological rants, no online blogs, no crappy art projects and sometimes no emotional candor. I realize that my friend was right when she told me that she deals with her bi-polarity by having to cycle being on and off of her meds sporadically. Whatever...this is not what I wanted to write about.

I wanted to write about beauty today. True beauty. Not sheer dumb physical attraction. I mean total beauty. The kind that emanates from one's inner being and shines through the sparkle in their eyes or the curvature of a truly honest smile. The kind shown through obnoxious laughter, uncomfortable amounts of eye contact, mutually awkward physical contact, and other charming life idiosyncrasies. I find all of these things to be utterly charming and beautiful in their own ways, maybe that is because I have an obsessive attraction to things that are legitmately honest and genuine (whether it be music, art, writing or women).

Most of you that read these know by now that I have been going to the gym alot lately and cutting out most of the poisons I used to drink, snort, smoke, etc. I have been doing this for myself, because for the first time in a long time I am interested in preserving my health. This is not just a ploy to lose weight, as a matter of fact I have lost little these last few weeks because I spend 80% of my workout lifting weights. The point I was going to make with this is that I am not trying to "get skinny" I am trying to get healthy. Maybe it is the inner resentment of a fatty that used to be a skinny but I have my own issues with basing relationships purely around physicallity...they don't last.

The facts of life are simple, we get old, we get saggy, we get flabby and we get cold and dead. So if you have something based solely on sex and drunken arguing I always want to ask, "what do you do with your time when the fucking is over?" I am intrigued by many people in my life who fumble from one drunk fuckfest to the next...maybe I am just strange in the fact that I have never been able to take the emotional aspect away from sex...to me they are intertwined. Subsequently this has led me down a strange life path (as I don't emotionally connect on a deep level with many people) because to be completely honest; for a fatty I get offered a fair amount of sex. I am not sure if it is because of my bands, my intelligence levels, my sarcasm, or if my body type just reminds some girls of their damaged paternal relationship. Whatever it is I choose my path based on tenets instilled in me at a young age; treating people as I wish to be treated...I wouldn't want to be emotionally used and cast aside (again haha).

The interesting juxtaposition that this type of thinking leads to after awhile is truly problematic at times though. When one casts themselves in a 'tower of isolation' for a long enough time period; one begins to forget how to connect to others. This often gets chalked up to being classified as 'confidence' and I concur to an extent. However it is more than that, human beings are social creatures and simply cannot live alone. That being said when one has lived alone (metaphorically speaking, I am not even going to launch a diatribe into the societal pressures in america when not being into their idea of a cookie-cutter relationship) they begin to forget what it was like to function in a pair. Whether you attribute this to sleeping on both sides of a bed or any other literal example; the fact remains that you have learned to live life without a romantic other. I have learned to do this fairly well...but there is a definitive difference between 'fairly well' and 'well.'

Sigh...I always feel ridiculously narcissistic when I write these, but I guess it is a blog and we write about what we know and subsequently I know me. Ok, now that we have covered the me aspect of this blog I want to get back to beauty. I know some beautiful people in my life, some of the most nakedly honest and genuine people one could ever imagine. Maybe I am just getting older and stranger but I think that instead of developing relationships based purely off of the pre-establised courtship steps established by our media and societal 'norms' we should all just go with what feels right as opposed to what is 'expected.' In my case I actually enjoy getting to truly know someone before I decide to try and merge our little worlds. Maybe it is a strange concept to some...maybe not...at this point I really don't care.

I just wanted to clarify to some that even though I am horribly devoid of the ability to express my inner emotions sometimes that does not mean that I don't love/care/or have an attraction to you. I am just a 28 year old dude that has some serious walls that I need to deconstruct. I am working on that because for the first time in a long time I find myself thinking about tearing down protective barriers I have built to survive life the last decade. I am out of time and didn't get to say most of what I wanted to say, but I will leave you with one of my favorite musical lines ever written and even though I think this song is inspired by a blowjob given to leanord cohen by janis joplin; it is a multi-tiered song encapsulating some of my sentiments expressed today...if you are curious go to youtube or my facebook page and listen to "Chelsea Hotel Number 2"

"You told me again you preferred handsome men
but for me you would make an exception.
And clenching your fist for the ones like us
who are oppressed by the figures of beauty,
you fixed yourself, you said, "Well never mind,
we are ugly but we have the music."